I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
