I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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