I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
