My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
