two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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