Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize