did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize