i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
