Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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