i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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