Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
