During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
