I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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