can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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