Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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