I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
