no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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