I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
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How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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