Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
