i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
