He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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