I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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