please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
