...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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