i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
