So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
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His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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