Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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