My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
