I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I skipped work to stalk him.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
