Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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