It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You were trust falling into bushes
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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