honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
