i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
