my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My bed smells like the plague
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
