If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
he high fived his dick after we had sex
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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