I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
we should paint friendship bongs
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