soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
