im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
my liver is dry heaving
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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