A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird