i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
someone threw a dead crab at me
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction