Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...