life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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