I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
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He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
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I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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