You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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