everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
