How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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