i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
