Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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