party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
