The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
