Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
