I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
