ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
