It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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