can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
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Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
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Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize