So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
