My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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