One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
