So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
