After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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