Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
