the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
