Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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