My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
