She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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