I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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